Thoughts on Motherhood

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…
{God} has made everything beautiful in its time
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 11a

Sonogram pictures, alien movements in your stomach, explosion of cellulite in places you can't see, waddling, pain, wonder and awe. Sleepless nights, spit-up stains, teething for a year, a smile, a baby giggle. And so it begins.

The endless and amazing journey of motherhood. Motherhood demands finding joy in the mundane. There are days you don’t want to answer to the name “momma” and days when you just wish they would say ‘momma’ and not ‘moooom’.

It is a battle to find yourself; creating a new role that grows, changes and evolves through different stages of life. So much is required. So much is taken.

God is the sustainer of the Universe and the sustainer of Mothers. HE is who you depend on when the cheerios are flying, when the fever doesn’t subside, on your first run to the Emergency Room, as you sit outside your child’s room while he is in ‘time out’ and as you see your child walk out the front door and onto the school bus.

Jesus loved to speak in parables. Parables were stories, short- some of them only a sentence or two , that were extremely long on powerful and life giving truth. Mothers tend to talk to one another in parables. Advice floats around any playground, waiting room, and biblestudy class. Sometimes the advice is blatant, but most often, it is told through a story, a recounting of past experience or a commiserating moment. Sometimes you appreciate the advice, latch onto it, and at other times you just tune out.

Tuning out- another gift acquired by becoming a mother.

These moments are basic reminders of this truth: to savor every moment you have with your child, realizing that there is a time for everything and God has made everything beautiful in its time. To remember: put everything in the eternal perspective, taking each day one at a time- while preparing little hearts for eternity.

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. It is an intense balancing act made up of many dichotomies. You meet the needs of yourself, your husband, your children while serving and loving God. You clean the house and go on a date with your husband. You hug your child and you discipline your child (or you discipline your child and then hug your child). You become a gourmet cook as a newlywed- to make peanut butter sandwiches as a mother. You look through magazines and admire the designer clothes just to get up the next morning and throw on the sweats. You are filled with warm fuzzies looking at your children sleeping and want to pinch their heads off as soon as they wake up.

Motherhood- pulling, pushing, gnashing, tearing, and... loving- more than you ever thought yourself capable. Is it any wonder Mothers are exhausted and amazing? Props to the moms out there!

xoxo- Julie

Life with Raney Grace- First Grader

Life with Raney is never boring...as she starts First Grade- I am celebrating her with a few things that have come out of her mouth over the past couple of weeks...

Raney: "I am so sad Patrick is not in my class, but at least I can look at his picture in the yearbook! "
Parker: "Raney, you will see him at Recess!"
Raney: "Mom, I will see him at recess! "

Raney singing, "God...you are so powerful....gooder than me!"

Raney: "When I am a grown-up, Mom, will you let me have kids?"

Raney: "Mom, will you still think I am cute when I am big?"

Me: "Raney- I told you, do NOT talk to strangers!"
Raney: "Mom, how is he a stranger if he told me who he was?"
Me: "He is a stranger if I do not know him and if you haven't asked me if you can meet him"
Quiet for a little while...
Raney: "Mom, why does God make strangers?"

Me: "Raney do you want to play Lacrosse like Parker?"
Raney: "I don't know...maybe..."
Me: "Let's try it, if you don't like it you can go back to soccer in the Spring."
Raney: "Can I wear my soccer SHOES (cleats) when I play Lacrosse?"
Me: "Sure!"
Raney: "Okay, then I would LOVE to play Lacrosse."

I am getting braces later this month. Raney was with me when I met with the orthodontist. She was very suprised that 'Grown-ups' get braces. So she asked the orthodontist, "Do animals get braces?" I thought, how ridiculous, and quickly tried to get her to be quiet (I had been trying frequently). The orthodontist then replied, "Actually, yes, I even put an appliance in a lion a few years back!" Who knew?!?!?

Raney: "Can God hold up the world with his pinkie?"
Katherine: "Raney- God has the whole world in His hands..."

Our car breaks out into song.

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

This is the first year that all three of my kids will be in school the whole day! Am I happy? Am I sad? I am not sure what to feel, except I am looking forward to school starting. It is time.

People keep telling me, and I have found myself repeating: "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel". And yet...I wonder?

I am really starting another type of tunnel- and one day I will see the light at the end of that one...and then start again. Because, I think, as a parent- it is never easy. And it never ends. Whether your children are all under the age of 5, or starting school, or starting to drive and date, or heading off to college, or getting married, or starting families of their own, or...ever. You are always a parent.

Those first few years were not easy...but they brought their own joys. Some things that helped me along the way was laughter, time with God and time with other mothers.

When we lived in Texas- MOPS was my saving grace. I started when Parker was 7 months old. It was not always easy getting there and I couldn't do the crafts to save my life- but the fellowship and the looking beyond myself was a huge gift.

I joined not knowing anyone and came away with many friendships. I loved actually eating a meal without a child on my lap, I loved getting dressed for a purpose, I loved hearing tips on how to be a more Godly woman, a better mother, and a creative genius. I am not sure I achieved any of those- but it gave me hope and inspiration to hear other women share their own journeys.

As my children grew older, I went to another MOPS group and was a 'table leader'. I loved it! You see, since I had THREE children I became the veteran to those new mothers. Who knew?

I knew I didn't have it together. I knew that on the way I had spilled my egg dish on that sharp turn as I was trying to feed my youngest with my arm over the seat, while yelling at my oldest to be quiet, and trying to get my middle to keep her shoes on. But those very experiences enabled me to encourage.

And when we moved to Virginia, I joined a 'Wednesdays for Women' group at our Church. For two years, the women there encouraged me. I was consistently late, and many times Raney was just wearing a jacket and diaper since she was severely carsick and had thrown up on the way, but God blessed my time with those women and with Him. One of the women even brought me a LARGE coffee can for the car with a lid for those throw-up experiences...what a priceless gift!

Most recently, I have loved being part of a small group- going through the book of John (and other topics) while living in the messiness of life.

There are times I have taken a break from community. Whenever I find myself having a 'pity party' and I complain to my mother- she pushes me to find a Bible study, get in with a group of women, saying, "Julie, don't you remember how you loved it?" And I have done the same with her. She is with a group of women she has known for years and years, but sharing Bible Study together is something they hadn't done since their kids were young. I am excited about joining Community Bible Study.

And I wonder, what's next? Where is God going to take me now?

All I know is that I am seeking, waiting expectantly for God, celebrating where I have been, and where I am going.

I encourage you to get connected to some type of fellowship or community. It really doesn't matter what stage in life you are in- there is a group of women waiting just for you.

Happy Birthday Todd!

I don't think people really believe when I tell them that Todd used to wear 'acid wash' jeans. I referred to them in my blogs about Todd and I (http://blogs.frontlinedc.com/2008/05/todd-and-i-part-3-julie-phillips.html). Thought I would share proof in this picture.

My husband turns 40 today. He is such a young 40...in so many ways. It seems surreal to think that my husband is 40. That means I am close to that same age!?!? We used to look at people who turned 40 as 'over the hill'. What were we thinking? There is so much life still to live...

I look back on our time together and I feel so fortunate to have been part of Todd's last 15 years. God has been so gracious. Ten years ago on August 26th- Parker was a few days over 1 month old and Todd was turning 30. Fourteen years ago on August 26th- Todd asked me to marry him. He said it was what he wanted for his birthday. Wow- time has flown...

I wanted to celebrate Todd- and go back a few years. This week has been one of remembrance: from Todd's Frontline Sermon, to his Surprise Birthday Party, through finding old pictures and figuring out how to work my scanner. I found the poem I wrote for Todd in August of 1995- close to when he asked my father for my hand in marriage:

In my love's arms, I find my heart.
When they wrap around me I know all is right and I am safe.
There is strength cloaked with the promise of gentleness.
When he uses them to teach, his sincerity is imprinted on my mind through the use of his hands.
He makes points regarding God's love and when the time comes for those same arms and hands to be wrapped around me~ He makes the same point about God's love.
It's fullness and peacefullness are felt through my love's touch.

There is nothing like it~ for in my love's arms. I find my heart.

Okay, so I will never compete with the likes of John Donne or Emily Dickinson- but they were, and are, my words for my husband. I am so, so blessed.

I pray that Todd will wake up each morning asking himself, "What can I do for you today, God?" That is a man a woman celebrates.

And that the next forty years of his life are even more amazing...I will try to stay up with him!

Crisis of Belief

I have been reading a book called The Persecutor by Sergei Kourdakov. (Other versions were published under Forgive me, Natasha). During the late 1960s and early 1970s he worked for the Russian police in terrorizing Christians- beatings, stalkings, and even the deaths of Christians were done under his leadership. However, through witnessing the faith of those he hurt, he came to know Jesus. Ultimately, he escaped to America and traveled speaking about his faith until he was shot under mysterious circumstances in 1973. He was 21 years old. It is a book that has caused me to look at my own faith and wonder how my faith would stand in the face of persecution.



I wanted to know more about Sergei and those mentioned in his book, so I went to the internet. I found a Christian woman who had also read the book when she was young and as she got older, she decided to do a documentary on the book. Supposedly, it was a fascinating journey for her as she started out just trying to trace Sergei's life but ultimately ended up investigating the claims made in the book. It brought her to a crisis of faith as she realized that much of the book was fiction. The documentary, first based on Sergei, ends up being a witness to the heartbreaking journey of this young women as she comes to terms with truth and her own faith in Christ. The documentary is called, Forgive me, Sergei, and I have been trying to track down a way to view the documentary.



My whole point of this blog, however, is to remind us that our faith will always have those moments of crisis. Many times they come when we have been heartbreakingly disappointed. We come to realize that those we looked up to in our faith- are just sinful humans like we are. We see leaders fall into sin and their dramatic fall has an echoing impact throughout other lives. We have to pick up pieces of children or adults who have been hurt by those in Christian leadership or their Christian parents. We are forced to defend church, our faith, and Jesus. And in the quiet, hopefully, we turn to the Bible...and to our own faith, trying to find answers.

God's word says in Romans 3: What if some were unfaithful? Does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God? By no means! Let God be true though every man be false...

You see, God's truth, His faithfulness, His love, His justice- are never dependent on humans. Instead- they stand alone. He is the Alpha...and the Omega.

However, many of us, allow our attention and focus to be moved from God to a human- whether parent, friend, mentor, leader or pastor. And we are disappointed. And we, ourselves, disappoint others. Because we are sinful. And we need a Savior. To rescue us. To redeem us.


What we need to understand is that all crises are opportunities for us to grow in our own faith. We mature a little each time we are faced with a crisis. If we continue to press on, we grow. We return to the basics and the truth found in scripture. We re-aquaint ourselves with a strong, yet compassionate Savior. We spend time in the book of John- following Jesus' footsteps and we let all falseness fall away. We seek comfort in Psalms and thumb through worn out devotionals.

Personally, through my Christian journey, I have realized there are patterns in my walk. Just like in the Bible- (one of my teachers called it the Jewish Sin Cycle)- the Israelites come to know God in His pursuit of them, there is a honeymoon time, they are tested, some of the time- they are found wanting, they fall, and then God restores them. Do you see that in your own life?

I go back to Experiencing God and the seven realities, truths, steps of faith:
1. God is always at work around us
2. God pursues us- His children
3. God invites us to join Him in HIS work
4. God speaks to us through the Bible, the Holy Spirit, other people and circumstances
5. We go through a Crisis of Belief
6. We make major adjustments to our understanding of God based on HIS truth
7. We come to know God more, we mature a little more

Where are you? Are you in a crisis of belief? Are you joining God where you see Him working? Are you in the process of making major adjustments to your life? When you look at your well of faith- is it deepening or evaporating in the midst of crisis? Do you run or turn to God? Or do you do a little of both?

Whatever action or circumstance you find yourself in right now- there is always hope. You stop. You be still. You listen. You confess. You re-engage with the Savior, you return to His truth, and you allow God to reaffirm your place with Him, allowing God to move in to every part of your life and re-establish Himself as Ruler- on the the throne.

I hear Todd all over this blog. One of his favorite verses to use when he talks of struggling to find faith is the father in Mark 9: 24 Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief.

That is what we need to do in times of testing or crises. We look up to heaven and we cry out, "I believe you can do anything God! Help me with any doubt remaining to truly follow you! Wherever you lead!"

Unconditional Love

Memories stand the test of time. There are memories that move in our minds like slide shows and others that are moving pictures. Sometimes the memories come in response to emotions, others to words that we read, and some others are just flashes.

One memory of mine has stayed with me over the years. I was in highschool and upset about something. Isn't it funny- I don't remember the reason- I just remember what happened after. I was closed off and numb, hurting. My parents saw this...and what I remember is my dad coming to me in the kitchen of our house and asking for me to hug him. His arms were open to me- but I was closed to him.

I shook my head to say 'no' with tears streaming down my face. So my dad moved towards me and wrapped his arms around me. My arms were crossed inside of his hug- but his arms were open and surrounding me. My tears continued to fall. I was so NOT wanting to respond. There was a part of me that resented his love and yet I felt comforted.

This memory comes periodically in my life when I think about unconditional love. My dad's love and comfort was not dependent on my response to him- but only because he wanted to love me. To love me...

I know I was hurting my dad by not responding to his love- I wanted to hold onto my pain and I wasn't sure how to make it end.

I look back at that experience now and wonder- if I had opened my arms to his love wouldn't I have felt even more loved? even more comforted? But, there are many days we fight the very love that holds us.

Such a beautiful picture of our Saviour's love for us. It is just there for our asking. There is a song out now called "By Your Side" that has the words, "Please don't fight the hands that are holding you"- and I totally relate to that concept!

There are just some days we fight the love that God has for us. There are a myriad of reasons- but the truth we need to hold onto and work towards is that God's love is truly unconditional and will be there- even when we turn away from it. But, our life would be so much more abundant if we don't fight it- if we allow God to love us, to mold us, to move us toward being more like Him. If we allow God to comfort us, maybe our pain wouldn't last so long. Wow- God is so amazing!

Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

Today I took Parker and Katherine to the Orthodontist. I walked in there full of dreams of beautiful teeth for my children and walked out realizing I would not be getting a new car for a while- since beautiful teeth cost a car payment- especially with multiple kids. So, I thought I would write a letter and tell you both 'thank you'. Thank you for taking me to the orthodontist for many years and sacrificing. As my children continue to grow- I am realizing that sacrifice is what you guys did for so many years. You sacrificed for me...because you loved me. You made things look so easy...and yet I know now- that parenting is NOT easy.

Raney talks ALL the time! I think to myself, "no other kid can talk this much!" And then you tell me that I did. Wow! And I never felt like you were tuning me out- I always felt that you wanted to listen to anything I wanted to say- you must have had parenting superpowers to listen and listen and listen.

We have been going out to eat ever so often in actual restaurants- I started to realize my kids thought eating out was driving up to a window. We wanted to teach them how to behave in a restaurant- manners and all that jazz. And then the bill came?!!? Did you really take us to lunch EVERY Sunday? Again- sacrifice.

It kinda freaks me out when my kids ask hard questions- how did you know the answers? How did you make feel so safe? How did you hug me all the time? With three kids- I can get rather 'touched out'. Your arms were always open to me. Thank you.

And that whole getting us dressed every Sunday and going to church by 8:30am! Wow- hard work! It might make you feel better that we fight on the way to church too- I think a lot of families do. Satan is alive and well in the cars of many on the way to church.

I am already starting to freak out about our kids driving...and dating...and being responsible for their own homework and tests. How did you do it all? I really admire you guys and I am so grateful for your example in my life.

It is not all hard- the joys outweigh the sacrifice...so I get it..but it can be really hard. Playing games, laughing, wrestling, working through issues, praying together, talking about God- a family. It still surprises me that I am old enough to be at this stage in life. Where did time go?

Parker threw a ball yesterday and broke a window in our neighbor's house. He came in and told us immediately- and was so proud of himself- even knowing he was going to be paying for it. We were proud of him even though frustrated. I learned by you guys that 'there is always something'- you don't just coast through life.

Katherine is a little nurturer. Raney got hurt the other night and I wasn't there. Todd was kinda freaking out- so Katherine became the little mommy helping Raney get the band-aids. So cute! I love watching her grow up.

The other day driving with Raney we saw a clearing that used to be covered in trees. Her amazement was overwhelming. She innocently asked, "Wow- Mom, did the beavers do that?" Her imagination shines through and even though my ears get tired- I want her to stay little.

Just a little glimpse into what has been going on in our lives. Thank you for everything...and I do mean EVERYTHING!

I love you,

Julie